Friday, July 25, 2008

Where to Begin?

The last six weeks have come and gone so fast. It seems like it was not that long ago that we were getting ready to go to the hospital to have Scott. The time was of the essence then, but now seems as though it were not long enough. I constantly try to really remind myself of those 9 hours in the hospital and the 1st week after Scott was born. I don't want to forget. It all happened so fast that I wish I could go back and change how we did some things. However, I don't think anyone can fully prepare for an experience such as this. I am just so happy we did have some great moments together.

We have all been keeping busy, which is good. I have been working on craft projects to get an Etsy shop going online. It is enjoyable and gives me something to do to keep myself from getting so bored. I will keep updated and let everyone know once I have the shop open. Finding a name has been the difficult part.

Summer is doing well. As a surprise to me she actually remembers Scott more than I thought she would. I think she does miss him because she talks about him everyday. She asks me if I miss him too. At the grocery store the other day she was talking about her brother and asked where heaven is. She will also see pictures of him and talk to him or sing songs. She likes to sing twinkle twinkle little star because Scott is wearing a hat with stars in one of the pictures. I know she loves him and wishes he were here too, but children just seem to be happy either way.

She started swimming lessons on Monday and that has been fun for her even though she doesn't do too much. Anyone who knows her well enough would know that she is very shy. She will not even sit on the steps of the pool with George her instructor unless Lyn a friend of mine or myself sits right beside her. She has been making progress each day going in further and further. Maybe by the last day she will actually acknowledge George and get in the water with him.

Philip stays busy at work. Since most of his time is spent at work, when he is home he enjoys just being with the family. He has been working on this CD for my birthday, and as used three nights to get it ready only to have our computer not work. It just won't burn the CD for some reason, so he was really disappointed. I told him it is the thought that counts just like the dandelions he picked for me because we really could not afford flowers our first year on my birthday.

With being busy at work and with other things Philip doesn't think too much about Scott during the week. This makes it harder for him on the weekend during his down time. He finds himself thinking of Scott more and more and wishing he were here to hold. The mourning is still evident in both of us. It will definitely be a rollercoaster for a while. For me each day becomes better with a few bumps, but better nonetheless.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Missing My Scott

Today marks the one month birthday for our precious baby Scott. I wish so badly that I could just hold him right now and celebrate it with him. The hardest part for me is still having the need to nurture and hold my baby. I guess it is just motherly instinct that comes with being pregnant for so long and having a baby.

I seek comfort through prayers and being with my friends and family a lot. I think now I am inspired by an old roommate who recently lost her little boy to read more. I think searching the scriptures and talks can also bring great comfort. Philip and Summer have boost my spirits several times when I am feeling sad. Little Summer comes to me and asks me if I am missing Scott. She then holds me and pats my back and says its OK. What would I do without her.

If Scott could hear me, which I think he can, I would want him to know how much I love him . I would tell him how proud I am of him that he was so strong and courageous to accept such a short time her on earth. I would say to him that he gave us the best 9 hours he possibly could have, and I am so thankful he allowed us to get to know him a little bit. I would tell him that I miss his hands and feet, and kissing him on the cheeks. Really, I would not be able to stop talking to him, but I would want him to know that I can't wait to hold him again. I know I will get to, just not as soon as I would like.

Scott is an inspiration to me to live a better life. I am sure he is happy to be a part of our family. I have learned so much over the course of the last 6 months, and especially the last month. I am still learning and growing from this special and difficult experience. I await the day I can at last hold my precious little one again. For now I will hold on to the time I did have with him and the memories that were left of him. That will raise my spirit to know he is real and that he will be just as real and special when we see him again.

Friday, July 11, 2008

Idaho/BC Getaway

The last three weeks have been very eventful, and tiring at the same time. Scott was born Tuesday June 17th which was very emotional and eventful in itself. I was then released from the hospital that Friday the 20th. The very next day we left for a vacation to Idaho and BC. The travel there was a little painful, but we made it and were so happy to finally arrive at my mom's house. Summer had way too much fun playing outside constantly, and having so many cousins to play with. We made arrangements for Scott's funeral service on Monday, and had the service on Tuesday.

We were able to go and dress Scott Tuesday morning and hold him again. It was really rewarding to be able to do that for him. We had a small graveside service with family and a couple friends. My mom picked out a really nice plot under a tree that she will eventually share with him. Philip and I both spoke at his service, which I did not think I could do but I am very happy that I did. Even though it was a difficult thing to do, I am so happy that we chose to have a nice funeral service for our special little boy. The service went so well and captured the spirit beautifully. Summer loved playing with her cousin Kiowa who is almost exactly 1 year older than she is. They played really well together too, so it was nice for me to sit back and relax.My sister Kody brought her bike and this awesome attachment bike. Summer was a bit chicken and grumpy as you can see.

Saturday June 28th my niece Cheyenne was baptized. We are so proud and happy for her decision.

Sunday we left for a very long car ride to Langley, BC where Philip's family lives. It was an exhausting trip for all of us especially Philip since he drove the whole 15 hours by himself. Oh well, too bad. I kept telling him that if he just had surgery he would not be able to drive either. The time in Langley was filled with friends of Philip, and family of course. Philip's sister Laurel and her fiancĂ© Aaron took us sailing on Canada day July 1st. It was really fun and quiet. It gave us a chance to relax and think. July 5th Laurel and Aaron got married in the Seattle temple. It was really nice and special to be in the temple with them.Summer was given this dress by Aaron's mom to match her twin granddaughter’s. I do not have a picture of them because Summer would not have her picture taken with others.

In all our trip was nice and we were so happy to be with family and friends at this time in our lives. I am happy to be in my own home now, however, I already miss being there with family and near Scott's grave. I also miss the cool nights since Houston weather is just muggy no matter what time of day or night it is. We love our families and can't wait to visit again.